I'm struggling! Day 85
Oct 3, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_wcuEochQI

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good morning welcome to Tuesday yes you
guys I got makeup on today yes I know
you guys have missed me with my makeup
um except my whole thing's all wonky
tonky anyways we are on our way to take
me I have an ultrasound this morning for
my leg so hopefully we'll get some
answers and see if it's anything to be
worried about and if not then it's
probably just something that we'll have
to deal with when I lose more of the
weight down my my leg area so anyways
that's really all we've done today and
then I did lots and lots of editing this
morning I still am not 100% done editing
but I just wanted to check in with you
guys didn't let you know I am Here I am
here I promise so anyways okay I will
check in with you guys in just a little
bit I'm gonna go and get my Dutch tea
and then head off to the
okay you guys so we are just getting
home from my doctor's appointment I hate
when they do altar sounds and they never
tell you like what you know their
findings are or if they even found
anything they just simply you know she
was like well when's your updated
appointment with your doctor to get the
results I'm like I don't have one
and she's like okay well he should have
that the results in two day at least by
today's so Thursday you should get the
results and I'm like okay am I supposed
to take that as a good thing oh good
thing or a bad thing and she's just like
no I just you know he will go over it
all and he'll talk to you about it I'm
like okay so anyways oh come on Ezra my
kids have destroyed my room as usual
nothing new in that order come on Ezra
let's go come on
and so I'm gonna actually go and make
lunch for me and the kids Esther I shut
the door behind you I'm gonna make some
lunch for me and the kids because I am
hungry and so are they so I'm gonna go
ahead and fix us up something I think
I'm gonna have tomato soup and a girl
cheese sandwich
so what sounds good to me so anywho I
hope you guys are having a great start
to your guys's morning and afternoon and
don't know where my tripod is so I'm
gonna set you guys up so man hopefully
you guys can see
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okay question for you all how do you
like your sandwiches they're grilled
cheese sandwich with your soup do you
dip it in and eat it like that or do you
just eat the soup with a spoon and eat
your sandwich separate tell me how you
guys like your food and yes those are my
kids
yeah we'll do this without it so first
things first I gotta take my Lukey
Louise off that I only did parsley uh I
didn't realize until I will got to the
doctors I don't even know if you guys
can notice but if you look I didn't fill
in this
ooh the mirror goes diving into my face
too
now I mean you don't put this crap on
your eyes but I needed to clean it off
anyways so what's the next best thing to
do than to do a rad do official
Laura mask I'm damn damn damn
so what'd you guys do today I actually
snapped autumn attire does it kind of
disappeared on me probably around 2:30
ish like I don't know where just went
away and that's what happens like
sometimes I'll just be oh my gosh like
to the point where I'm just like almost
in tears I'm so tired and the kids won't
settle down and he was ruining the rest
for a minute and they just won't stop
like they'll look at me and be like yeah
joke's on your mom you might as well get
that out of your system right now we
ain't gonna stop but yeah anyways yeah
went away
excuse the double chin here we go Joe
oh my god okay
nor did I think that it was gonna be
that thin Oh
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[Applause]
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okay you guys it has been 30 minutes
since I put this on in there is no smart
oh yeah there is no smile oh come on yo
anyways so I'm gonna start killing I'm
gonna pill a little bit before
off-camera and then I will come on and
finish peeling for you guys
wish me luck because I was just told
that this stuff is painful I really hope
the first night old me this is lyin and
that person will be watching this video
so you have best of in Lyon see you in a
few okay you guys so I decided to take
it and fill it up here okay alright so
we are starting no I really don't even
know where to start
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white please
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[Laughter]
told my kids it was poop on my face so
they won't want to play with it
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you know honestly and I'm not did that
razor thing the other day that I showed
you guys I think it would have been a
lot more painful and you had to peel it
off slowly because if you don't know if
it still isn't a hundred percent dry
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yeah there's something that's not sure
that's doing a Stromer it's not a rapper
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yeah those ones are stuck I'm gonna have
to wait that off my face and there you
have it a baby Thanks
no actually it really it did good it
hurt a little bit on these sides and a
little bit right in here
other than that wasn't bad at all my
nails still have the plaque underneath
them so looks like I've got dirt under
my nails but yeah
other than that it was great felt good
no get the rest of this off when I wash
my face tonight before bed but yeah
thought I would bring you guys along and
do it but it's this stuff I'll show it
to you again I got it from Amazon about
a year ago so I don't know exactly how
much it is now but I mean it left my
face feeling really good so and it says
you can use it one two three times a
week
so yeah it's worth a shot and just see
how I do
we'll see if I wake up tomorrow with my
face all broken out or if it's looking
good anyways alright I just want to show
you guys what I was doing something I
wanted to talk to you guys about a
little bit is I feel like I'm struggling
right now I feel like I've kind of at
this place with my body change in with
mmm
I'm doing so well losing weight and
being so confident with my eating
patterns and you know keeping active and
things like that but I feel like the
last probably three days I've really
been struggling and when I say
struggling I feel like I am just wanting
to eat and eat and eat and not just eat
just healthy food like I'm wanting to
eat everything that
should not be remotely coming close to
my mouth
put it over there honey and it's such a
struggle because I know that I have done
so well and I know that I have
successfully lost 60 pounds and I don't
want to ever go back to gaining that 60
pounds and I just don't know what is
going on it's not the lack of support
it's not the lack of encouragement
because I get that from all corners of
my life I'm getting that but I don't
know what is triggering me to want to
side scale myself and retreat back to
some of my old habits the eating you
know excessively and eating my portions
that you know like last night I had what
did I have last night I can't even think
of what I had I had something last night
I can't remember now but I know like
instead of having one sandwich
I've been eating two sandwiches you know
and that's not I normally don't I
haven't been eating like that I've been
eating one sandwich and I'll have like
you know some fake chips on the side or
you know and those things are okay in
moderation it's alright to have those
things but you know not having two
sandwiches and I've done that quite a
few times in fact today for lunch I had
two grilled cheese sandwiches and my
soup rather than having one grilled
cheese sandwich and my soup and I'm not
sure what is going on in my brain right
now that is making me feel like I'm
having to eat excessive amounts again
but I'm starting to find myself doing
that and I want to Nick it right now I
want to nip it right in the butt and not
allow these things to pop up and to
sabotage what I've been doing because I
have been working so hard and I refuse
to
allow myself to go back to the old days
I refuse it and I know the last couple
days I kind of have been but I know that
I have the tools to make the right
changes to not allow myself to go back
but I don't know what I need to do to
restart that engine again I think my
engine has kind of died a little bit and
I want that engine to start back up and
I want to be able to rev it okay this is
how we ask no how do we ask
yes you mean let's not jump let's not
jump so I don't know I want to be able
to restart my engine and start back on
my motivation again and getting back
into my exercising and I think that my
sickness kind of took me out of the game
for a couple of days and so because of
that it's easy to get off of course and
then me to restart back up somewhere and
I need to get back on that because I
just no no this is one of my favorites
I'll hold it right here it's okay thank
you perfume so not right now honey let
me finish doing what I'm doing okay so
anyways I just don't know if anybody has
any like maybe some suggestions I
thought about well do I start up like a
media low-key kedo to get my body ramped
I mean it's not that I'm gaining weight
I don't know what this week says because
clearly I've been kind of a little bit
on the lazier side on all things on all
aspects from my working out to the
eating and motivation but you know do I
need to start something like that to
revamp myself or do I just jump right
back into what I was doing which is the
calorie counting and not
start changing stuff around because I
don't do good with diets I have to do
something that I'm gonna stick to so I
don't know if just doing the calorie
counting again just get back really
strict with it get back with you know My
Fitness Pal start wearing my you know my
Fitbit again and just start getting my
exercise going I think that's probably
what I need to do rather than start
doing all this other stuff because I
just think if I start doing other diet
things it's just gonna get a little bit
too confusing so I think maybe my best
bet is just to jump back right where I
was at at the very beginning with the
calorie counting lower my calorie counts
I think because I've dropped 260 pounds
since I started so doing 1800 calories I
think is a little bit too much I think I
want to drop it down to 1600 calories
which is still very healthy for me and
do my workouts every day like I was it
makes me feel good when I work out it
really does it makes me feel good I feel
like I have succeeded I feel like I have
accomplished so much in a day when I
know when I go to bed at night that I a8
correctly be did my exercising and three
kept my motivation at a high and I think
maybe that also could be playing a big
role in my my fatigue Ness to is because
when I'm not eating healthy and I'm not
eating the way I'm supposed to well you
know those things how annoying
those things are gonna trigger all of
those things and so but I think maybe
that's what I'm just gonna do tomorrow
is I'm just gonna just hit it concrete
hard go at it full force and you know
not allow myself to sit in this pity
party because that's the problem is most
of the time I will start feeling like a
failure because I've been slacking off
on my eating or slacking off on my
movement haven't been feeling 100% you
know yadda yadda yadda and poor me poor
me poor me and then by the end of it I'm
completely off track I've gained all my
weight back I've gained more weight back
I feel awful I feel like a total
a nine and I just you know want to throw
the talent all together and so I just I
I I have to for all sakes but anyways so
all he's gonna bring a Subway sandwich
tonight and then I think tomorrow I'm
gonna make a trip to the store go get
all this stuff for my salad dinners
because I love my salad dinners there's
absolutely no excuse why I'm not eating
them and get back on track there is no
reason I am getting off a track none
whatsoever
so Amy needs to make some definite
changes but you know you guys are all
the reason I do what I do and I want to
be able to come to you and be 100%
transparent with you guys and be honest
with you guys you know because there are
gonna be times where I think anybody on
any journey gets a hang up sometimes you
know and hits a roadblock and I think if
you were to act like you didn't you
would just be living that lie of a
falseness and here I'm not gonna be fake
I'm not gonna play a fake game I am not
gonna act like I've got all my stuff
together because I don't you know there
are days where I don't want to get out
of bed there are days where I don't want
to touch the scale there are days that I
just want to give up on everything and
go get a big piece of cake and sit and
eat it because that's what I want is
that my answer to all my problems no and
I know it's not I know what I need to do
and I know what I have to do but it's
all I think part of this journey and are
all part of this journey of healing
my kids are literally going to make me
high off of all my fumes of person but I
just hope that you guys understand where
I'm coming from and that I can just get
the encouragement support from everybody
that I have been getting and don't give
up on me he bullies it's not you know
I'm not this isn't a show this isn't a
show this is my life this is what I'm
dealing with and I know what I need to
do to fix the situation
I am not I have nobody to blame but
myself I don't have an eating disorder
to blame because yeah I was diagnosed
with binge eating you're right I was but
you can't blame the disorder you still
have to blame your own actions and so
that's where I'm at right now is yeah I
do have an eating disorder but my eating
disorder did not make me fall off the
bag wagon my eating disorder did not
make me not want to get up in the
morning and do what I've done for the
last three months my eating order by
eating more my eating disorder is there
in the back of my mind always reminding
me hey that looks good but you know what
it's my action that makes it if it's
good or not
so I hear a lot of times people say well
I suffer with a Vinci in disorder and
that's why I have this issue and well I
sat and i you know ate multiple multiple
thousands of calories because I suffer
with an eating disorder and it's like
nanana nanan oh no sorry you can't blame
the eating disorder it doesn't work that
way my work in your book but it does
work in all everybody's book because the
eating disorder is there yes but you can
conquer that eating disorder you can
make choices over that disorder the
disorder does not have to choose your
abilities your actions are what's
responsible not not the eating disorders
so anyways where that rant went on I
don't know but anyway aids so starting
tomorrow that's what I'm gonna do I'm
gonna wake up well actually tonight
before I go to bed I'm going to so when
you guys are watching this I will have
already started 1,600 calories I will be
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charging my fitness my Fitbit I can't
even think I am going to be doing all of
my fitness pal logins and yeah I'm
getting right back on track I had like I
said I don't know if I've gained
anything this week or if I've not it's
not even clearly about the weight
because obviously I still lost eight
pounds last month last week
it's not about the weight gain it's
just I know mentally I am struggling and
that's where I want to fix the problem
now before I allow it to get out of
control and take over everything that I
have been doing and have successfully
conquered so far so anyways with that
said I'm gonna close you guys I need to
go and get my kids in their pajamas go
to bed afterwards cuz this mama is tired
and wants to watch a little bit of TV
when these kids go to bed so anyways you
all I hope had a wonderful day today I
hope you enjoyed this vlog and if you
did if you could please give it a like
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this great community of amazing amazing
people until then take care
sweet dreams
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it's not what you do when get in the
moment
oh yeah show me some move
